Ahboo4 (former Muslim)
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Testimony of Leaving Islam
I thought it might be a nice idea to write a testimony of my leaving Islam, at Least so that other people might benefit from it. I should probably introduce you to myself, my name, or my alias, is ahboo. It is silly, but it is easy to type, just an anagram of my real name. I live in a Muslim middle eastern country which is not Egypt, this narrows it down a bit, but you don't want these details at all, suffice it to say all my friends are Muslims, and all my family members are Muslims, and at this point In time (December 2003), my future-wife is also a Muslim.
I am nearly 20 years old, and I study biology, MY NATIVE LANGUAGE IS ARABIC, and I speak it much better than many people do. The reason I left Islam? That's a complicated story! But let me make some things clear first. I am not like many ex-Muslims, most of them convert in and out of Islam, and those who had been Muslims all their lives had lived in secularized countries. One thing I had always thought about was, if the truth was obvious, why then couldn't people come and sit together and agree? Why would there be people who vehemently defend the indefensible? Why are there factions in science and Society and religion?
I know these words might be read by Muslims, and I want them to know I am human too, although I am not a Muslim anymore, but you should consider what you read, don't shut the door, and "just know" I am wrong, so many people shut the door nowadays, and that is the reason of all trouble in the world. I was a strict Darwinist, an evolutionist, and whenever people asked me whether I "believed" in evolution, I'd say "what? Are you kidding? OF COURSE I do." And the interlocutor would go like? I never thought that there could be people, who had views of their own, or who even dared discuss science with such ignorance, I never defended my views vehemently, but I expected people to treat the holder of ideas with respect, people don't "disagree" with the theory of relativity just because they don't like it.
The problem was that I never realized evolution had so many radical results and consequences, or that religion was so much opposed to it. People just won't let go. And then I started my research for the truth, or the so called truth, and I found this site (FFI). At first I dismissed this site as biased, or at least I could find "counter-arguments" to anything said here. But then again, was I too an apologist? I wrote things in the forum, under this name, and that was when I really started to doubt Islam, and the story is related there much better than I can relate it now.
I must say that western ex-Muslims are much luckier than I am, for they have some set of beliefs, a thing to hold dear, while I have nothing, all that is around me is Muslim. All the people I know are Muslims, and I feel terribly lonely at times. But it comes and goes, so does the anger and the feeling of betrayal. At some points I want to scream and let them all know I am not a Muslim, and I am not afraid of being an apostate, but fear for my family from being hurt stops me, and maybe fear of alienation, I would be truly an alien then, a "not from us" being, someone you can cast stones on and kill without fear of punishment, it may not go as far as death, but social death is destined.
Today, some ignorant fools "challenged" me to "prove" Evolution. How lame the proofs they used, how stupid. I told them that god "created man through evolution, and still they believe that Adam and Eve were real. That they were 30 meters tall as it is written in the hadith. I sometimes question my sanity. Am I the wrong one? Or is something wrong with the world, I can't be right. With so many people against me, I mean, the truth is obvious, so why won't people believe? Someone even started bulling me. I got angry and nearly began a fight, and this was one of my best friends, I only have 5 good friends, and I was alone discussing with them today. Hell, if god existed, couldn't he have made his existence clear? But now I know in the depths of my heart he does not exist. There may indeed be a "creator", as in a "reason for existence of our world", but a god who answers prayers and helps the poor? The bitter truth, or maybe this is the forbidden fruit, or forbidden knowledge.
I don't want to feel sad anymore, but these are the last points I want to mention
- If there is anyone like me, please inform me of your existence, I wish to physically see an atheist or even an agnostic. Here are my emails: ahboo6@hotpop.com ahboo2@hotpop.com, I always reply if I get the Message.
- Below is a testimony I wrote to ISIS when I was feeling frustrated, but I never sent it. So it might as well be useful. I don't write coherently, I know. But this all I could manage. English is not my native language and it feels a little awkward.
- If any Muslim wants to write to me, in order to convert me back, then he (or she) is welcome. I never close my mind to new ideas. Who knows, I might well have been lulled/hypnotized by Zionist agents.
- If any other fellow biologist wants to read about atheism, then I recommend Richard Dawkins, the http://www.world-of-dawkins.com site is great, also are his books. You have of course read the origin of species.
- If you are one of my Muslim friends who know me personally, and who could deduce who I really am, then all I have to say is "please don't spread this around, but tell me you know, this will cause my parents and relatives to be rejected, and you don't want to hurt them so much. I am not stupid enough to go public, but if you do, I'll kill you. (That is not to be taken literally. I don't kill people. It is just an expression)
Hmmm. I guess leaving a religion you have grown into secretly, is a traumatic experience. I used to think people who spoke of "mental pain" and "psychological wounds" were sissies. But some of these wounds can be deadly. I survived, but it is not easy abandoning a lifetime myth. I still want to believe that it is true, although I know that it isn't? It is strange, how you change your view of things. It is like losing the grip of the tree you have been hanging to amidst a storm. My initial reaction was anger, blinding rage who did this to me? Who is responsible? I needed a name, someone I could strangle to death with my hands and watch his face twitch in agony as the darkness clasps on him. I still feel the rage, for I want to believe someone is to be blamed. I lost my peace of mind.
The most agonizing thing is that no one knows what I go through. They still believe unquestioningly, pray and go on with their lives. I can say nothing. When I first came to this forum I said that I wanted to kill them all. I feel bruised and abated. At times I want to retreat to my fanatic shell. These apostates, living in the west, have no clue of the pain someone living in an Islamic country goes through when he discovers the truth. It is not easy to live with the fear that someone may discover you. No one else is there. There is no one thinking like me around me. There are no atheists here. I never heard of one, and if they exist here, they are non-existent in my world. I want to live my life, among my friends and relatives. To lead a normal life, they [the apostates] denied me this right. I am an atheist and not an atheist. I am the opposite. I really don't know where to go from here, but I don't need anyone's help. I have always helped myself.
I wonder if there are people who are in the same trauma that I find myself. I know that every feeling I experience, must have been experienced by another human being. I'm not unique. Never mind, but I wish to say something to a man, Richard Dawkins, I have always adored you and your books. Hell, I love even your articles. But I must say, if you hear me, or ever get the chance to read this, know that I also hate you. I can't really explain the feeling well. I always thought of you highly, and sometimes wish you were dead.
My ISIS testimony
Were your parents religious?
Yes, they are religious, but they don't practice or perform prayers all the time. Only occasionally!
What was their mother tongue?
Arabic, I live in a Muslim Middle Eastern country, which is not Egypt.
Did they know Arabic?
Of course they did. They only speak Arabic.
How often did they go to the Mosque?
I don't remember seeing them in a mosque, but I'd say a couple of times in my lifetime.
Education: did you go to Quranic school?
No, I went to a regular school, there are no Quranic schools around here - they are a relic from the past.
Do you understand Arabic?
Yes, perfectly. It is my native tongue.
Did you read the Quran? Did you understand it?
Parts of it, I memorized about 20% of it in school when I was a kid, and I was taught religion during high school.
When did you start questioning religion? Islam?
When I was 18, I studied biology in school. And it just felt funny how people kept saying Darwin was a Jew, Darwin was a deceiver, Darwin was so and so. So I decided to find the truth for myself, and one thing led to another.
Was there someone who encouraged you in your free thought?
No, and I take pride in that.
Were you influenced by any book?
Yes, books by Richard Dawkins, and the origin of species (I still can't find an Arabic version, nor a paper English version).
Were free thought books available to you at home? In town? At friends?
No, they were not.
Do your parents know about your present feelings?
No, and I don't intend to let them know.
Does anyone else in your family or circle of friends know?
No, no one knows. It is suicidal to declare that kind of thing in a Muslim society.
What do you think would be their reaction?
Whose reaction? No one knows. It's a well-kept secret.
Do you feel threatened?
No, I'm too smart to tell anyone.
Have you been attacked physically for your beliefs?
No.
How would you describe yourself now?
Non-religious.
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