Ahmed (Former Muslim)
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Contents
Testimony of Leaving Islam
It was troubling. Most nights I would lock the door to my room just to shut myself away from the hounds. It was unbearable. I couldn't take it. For 17 years I had been living under a rock, repressing my thoughts and feelings into a deep dark cave. Sometimes I imagined myself screaming out to them, releasing the truth out from the can. But I always knew I couldn't bring myself down to that. For I knew there were grave consequences. And what's more important, was the fact that I am so busy here down on Earth that I have no time for consistent conflict.
Everything has a beginning...
It all started when I was 10 years old. I was a quiet, reserved little boy, some people praised me for being one, but I never understood why they should. I hated my family. I hated the way my father treated me. I hated the way my siblings quarrel and backlash all the time. I hated why I couldn't do some things that weren't considered "Halal" in Islam. I hated the fact that we had to pray 5 times a day. It was all so degrading and unnecessary. I simply hated everything that had to do with the system. At such a young age, I started to feel something unsettling going on around me.
I was born into Islam without question. It wasn't my choice, nor was it my fate. The shahadah was whispered to my ears at birth. Had strands of my hair cut as an infant. And without my mature consent, I was forced to lose fractions of sexual pleasure from circumcision. I was born into a family of 8. Being raised up in a zealous, devout Muslim family (or 'alim family as how they called it). My sisters wear the hijab without question, and they all take prayers and worship disturbingly seriously. In my child years, I had been a rascal, daring, thieving fool! Oh boy surely I was in Santa's naughty list, surely! I neglected prayers sometimes, finding it unnecessary, and definitely a waste of my precious time and focus. But more importantly, I was ultimately bemused by how much fighting and attacking we always had.
It was not until I reached the age of 10 when I've decided, I give up. I honestly had enough of all the fighting, all the arguing, and all the unnecessary conflict. Oh I still remember the times when my mother would recite verses to calm everyone down. Well honestly it never worked. I tilt my head sideways, bemused. Whenever something wrong happens, they gasp the word "Satan", and start reciting Qur'anic verses, in hopes to rid the situation from more evil generated by the devil. Whenever they're mad and they want to repress their emotions, they start murmuring Qur'anic verses to themselves. I've found two things wrong with this; For one, it doesn't actually work. non-theists can overcome this easily, why do you think this is the best, albeit only way? Two, blaming the devil for your pride and wrong doings is completely WRONG in the first place. You are solely responsible for your actions and words, no amount coercion is needed to generate this. I gave up.
I smelt hypocrisy. And it did not only happen at home. I saw it everywhere. Muslims fighting, backstabbing, gossiping, blaming, rudeness, tattletales, grumpy, angry, sad, suicidal, you name it, they've got it. Oh no. I don't mean to say I want all Muslims to be perfect. No, not in a million years. What I wanted to see, are Muslims being Muslims. I saw the corruption in every devout Muslims I met, and it got me thinking; if you rush to do good things, good deeds, and prayer because you want to go to heaven, and escape hell-fire, does that make your intentions wrong in the first place? You don't need a reason to do good. You don't need to know a reward to do good. You do good because that's the right thing to do as a human being.
The wanderer, the seeker, the lost, the baptised child
As I dwelled on this Earth as a 10 year old free thinker, I've read the Bible, went to several churches, and from what I've found is that the Bible teaches peace and love, way more than the Qur'an or hadiths ever did (the Qur'an/hadiths regularly talks about fighting and killing disbelievers, insulters, pagans, Jews, and Christians [Yes, they still do talk about good and kindness]). But it still didn't answer my question. For although Christianity teaches love, I felt the Bible made much less sense than the Qur'an in terms of history and stories of previous prophets. I still wanted to know if there was really a god up there.
However, by the time I reached the age of 13, I had found my way back to Islam, repented, and became an extremely devout Muslim (I do not regret this now, for it helped me realise how silly I was). I was in love with God. I felt so close to God. It felt so real. I really did feel his presence. My prayers were sincere, and I felt him watching me. I spent nights battling against Christians and atheists, proving (mewling, rather) that Islam is the master religion. Flaming them, threatening them, condemning them because they didn't believe in MY god. I forgot every sense of humanity I used to have when I left Islam. What a hypocrite! And I wasn't alone either, I see almost every Muslim doing this nowadays. Until one night, while battling against a YouTuber under the charge of my crusade, I was posed a powerful yet simple question; If God created us, then who created God?
I ended my crusade immediately. And to follow suit, after much wilful thinking, I left Islam a few weeks later.
... Just as everything has an ending
By then I was 17 years old. I had my first deliciously BBQ smoked/roasted pork ribs, and white wine all in the same evening (with good friends). However, I was still paranoid by the eons old arguments and backlashing. Why couldn't we just live simply and happily? You can say rich people whom are wealthy are the least happiest (Which, I and Rich Dad [Robert Kiyosaki] believe is untrue in so many ways). Yet we were living in sub-Mid class to High class, and our relationship with each other is as miserable as how we accuse other families were. I knew there was no god. But something was missing: What the hell is the point of life?
I was 19 when I left home. I settled at a friend's house near the beach. I left because I had enough of all the fighting. In all of my innocence and my calm, preserved, and patient life style, I was always attacked (verbally and mentally) by family members. I came across some powerful material that changed my life forever. Silly, it took me 9 years to find out what the answer was to my question. I wanted to know why terrible things were happening even when people believe in god. And I found it. Life is simple. Make no complications about it. Bhagavad Gita, Siddhartha Gautama, Existentialism, NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), these were all I needed to understand how theists work.
Both Buddha and Hindu epics explain how life is simple, to make no complications, and love, give, renounce, letting go of hatred, of pride. Happiness cannot be achieved by people who seek it, because happiness can never be sought for. Happiness had to be discerned, it has to come from within. Existentialism tells me that there is no purpose in life unless you give it a purpose (achieving your goals, doing something you love). NLP opened my eyes as to how our human minds and the power of "believing" works in great wonders. The feeling I got when I thought I felt close to God? The feeling I had a mutual relationship with him? Yes, that was something called "believing something to be inherently true". So called, believing in your own lie so hard that you think it actually happened. This is also the same way actors can be so passionate in on-screen relationships.
I came back home a different man. I was happy. My smile beamed with light. And it had nothing to do with God.
I wish I could tell you...
Unfortunately, with all this immense knowledge and epiphanies, I couldn't help but to preach out unintentionally. It's like I've found the cure for cancer. It's like I've found an extremely delicious sauce combo for a Subway Sandwich (hell yes it had to be Red wine vinaigrette!). I went online, telling theists how things really worked, and defending or helping innocent atheists or fresh new atheists/agnostics/skeptics. I couldn't tell my family. No, not now. Not with what I have to go through with first. And yet with all of this, I still felt alone. Sure, I have best friends whom are atheists (all are apparently former Catholics), but they were never Muslim in the first place. But then I found out people closer to me were secretly living, breathing atheists/agnostics, in the closet; My cousins. What's better than knowing your own version of the truth, as an atheist? It's when you have really really close people who share the same thing!
Although knowing all this prayer and worship is useless to me, I still have to do it to avoid arousing suspicion to my family. Although I am aware one or two of them know already. I have so much to do before I can take care of my own, but until then, I cannot let my parents know. I honestly have no clue as to what they would do to me, and I do not intent to want to know yet. Not until I'm out of the house. It is hard, difficult. A challenge for me. But as my new life begins, I can achieve anything.
Why you can never really change a theists' mind
This may seem like attacking theists, but in all modes of honesty, I do not intend to do so. The reason why we can't change their minds to see our point of view, is because they are so tightly bound to their own truth, that whatever we say wouldn't make sense. Atheists believe in material existence. Theists believe in supernatural. Their perception of things is somewhat more complicated than ours. Do not forget the fact that they see the world now as only a test. They won't take anything here seriously more than the things they will do to achieve their one true goal: paradise. Another thing they fail to see through, is their own pride and ego. I remember when I was in my devout stage, I had pride as much as well, a dozen pride of lions. I couldn't release my religious dogma because I was too proud to let go nor see the truth that was right in front of my eyes. The same thing is happening to my little brother.
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