Ayesha-A (former Muslim)
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My Testimony of Leaving Islam
My journey to freedom from Islam began when I was 11 years old. I lived in Pakistan till that age and knew only other Muslims around me then. Even though my parents had many progressive, worldly friends, I remember having only Islam around me. Then we moved to the U.S. and I began meeting people of all different backgrounds. I learned that other people who were raised with other religions had as much faith in their religion, as my relatives did in Islam. I thought to myself, well is that all it was about - where I was born? Then why all the fighting and arguing? Then I began studying the actual religion for myself. I studied the Quran in various translations and realized that it was full of things that were impossible and completely nonsensical. And that it, the most holy "unchangeable" word of god was full of awful, hateful things. This god was a mean, sadistic entity and I felt trapped and I saw how other Muslims believed themselves to be trapped into worshiping a tyrant as well.
During my teens, I didn't worry too much about religion. I went to the mosque and quran classes my mother dragged me to. But I read a lot. I read about history and science, and I read the old & new testaments of the bible, and I learned all I could find about as many other religions as possible: Buddhism, Hinduism, Ancient Greek & Egyptian religions and I read about Secular Humanism and about Pagan history, witch burnings, Neo Paganism, basically every humanities, history and science book I could get, I read it and discussed it with my friends, teachers, strangers, whoever was interested. I immersed myself in knowledge trying to find somewhere a shred of evidence that amongst all the many, countless philosophies and religions in the history of humanity, Islam was the one true religion as it claimed. I found nothing to prove that. Not a single piece of evidence. The only reason left to still call myself a Muslim, then, was out of stubbornness (to stand up against xenophobes) and as a way of honoring my ancestors' beliefs.
I found other, much more meaningful and fulfilling ways to stand up to xenophobes, homophobes, racists and sexists, and I find that ancestors are best left dead because, as the song goes, "The good old days weren't always good, and tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems."
So now, I live my life according to no other man's or woman's rules. I study, I learn, I choose what I do. I live with the consequences, good or bad, but mostly they are in between.I have never been provided with a good enough reason to think that an entity like what we humans call "god" actually exists. The possibility of Allah or Yahweh actually existing is equal to the possibility of Krishna, Athena or Isis actually existing. There are no gods, just humans with our over sized egos and our over sized brains trying to make the existence of the universe all ABOUT US. It's NOT about us. The universe is big and we are small and we need to stop thinking up gods and other mythical imaginary creatures to replace our parents. Humanity needs to grow up.
I am a happy apostate, free from religion, free to pursue beauty, knowledge, love, compassion and pleasure without rituals, without dogmas. Heaven is here, hell is here. Reality is a reflection of our own thoughts and fears and once we decide to choose our thoughts differently, reality starts to look different and I'd rather live in a reality that makes sense than one based on childish fairy tales, and sadistic promises of "eternal" punishments.
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