Chechen (former Muslim)
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Testimony of Leaving Islam
I am an ethnic Chechen; I was born in a Groznyy hospital during a peaceful time. I lived as a normal child until 1994 at the dawn of the first Chechen war. I remember bombs, seeing things people should never see and I hope no child ever has to again. It lasted less than 2 years but to a civilian, it seemed forever. However life went back to normalness in some respects although I along with everyone else was haunted with the memories of it. Everything was going along until 1999, the second Chechen war and to this day, the war never officially ended.
I started to question things from the very beginning of life as a Muslim. The Quran and Bible said God loves us, yet he let us die. He gave Muslims the right to do horrible things. The Saudis who came to "help us" started cutting women and means heads off and stoning them to death, hanging people in the town square for everyone to see. I asked my parents why? They only said it is the will of Allah, don’t question it.....
As I grew older, I became a Mujahideen, Yes I started in the Mujahideen at the age of 11. Like most boys, I fought for Allah and my people bravely. I fought without ever really knowing if Allah was there or even gave a care about us. He certainly was not helping; people were starving to death while the leaders ate well. We lived in the woods and many gave up their lives for us.
It is rather agonizing to think, I was once part of the Jihad machines that role along. I am just afraid that it will never be ok again. Chechens are kidnapping tourist who wish to help us because under Jihad, everyone is fair game (or so we were told by the clerics.) Still being a Mujahid, I buried them in hypocrisy. I buried them with prayers but wondering to myself, did they go to Paradise or do they cease to exist after death? Or better is death unknowable to the living?
But I was afraid, I was afraid to admit to myself that I was already an apostate in my heart. I was afraid to let myself believe that leaving Islam was a reality. I was always afraid of hell fire but finally convinced myself it was necessary to be honest with myself.
My father was also one among the Mujahideen, but he died when I was almost 13. My mother had died during air raids by Russian forces. So,I had no one left there in my homeland but to my luck, I got the chance to go to the US when I was 16.It was a bit like, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. America is Russia’s biggest enemy so it was a natural selection although I do not hate Russians anymore, all my hatred is gone now.I have been here for years now. I married a Palestinian woman and we have kids. I live as a normal Muslim, but a hypocrite. Saying (in public) I believe in Allah and Mohammed is the messenger but I don’t really know for a long time if anyone is there or listening to me. I went to the west bank with my wife to see her family and that’s when I became atheist. For the first time I saw what religion does to people. The Jews keep Palestinians in a bad place because they believe they have a divine right, and Muslims kill Jews for the same exact reason.
I don’t take part in any Mujahideen activity anymore, I left that life years ago and I am glad I did. I think the Chechen Mujahideen are the same as the Saudi counterparts. We had Turks, Saudis, Egyptians, Persians and various others fighting with us. Most were either Salafi or Wahabi. I was just a normal Sunni at the time,I was lucky their rhetoric could not get into my head and influence my thinking.
My wife does not know about my belief but if she knows, I am afraid it would end up in divorce. I just hope to meet someone with similar experiences. If you read all this, thank you very much. For now I have to go and hide before other Muslims find me and kill me for Apostasy and before you guys start going for reading all this.
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