Crossedhat (former Muslim)
| |||||||||||||||
Testimony of Leaving Islam
I can’t remember exactly when the seed of doubt was planted in my mind about the religion I was born into. It could be then when I used to attend the Friday prayers in the mosque and my hands were raised too with the believers to praise Allah and his rasul to bring devastation to Israel day after day, Friday after Friday with no result. Or, it could be then, when I learnt that a mumeen is entitled to have 72 virgins in afterlife, but a mumeena needed to be satisfied with just sharing her old earthly husband with 72 new competitors? Or then, when I confronted the Quranic verse to beat one's wife (lightly!). (i.e. I did know the sahih hadith that suggests a salat become void if an ass, a dog and or a woman pass across in front and aisha prompted teasing in sadness, and wondered: "you guys made us women equivalent to dogs")
No, I don't think it did happen then. I still was attending prayers more seriously so that Allah could guide me from evil thoughts prompted in my mind provoked by Satan. My father is a very strict and devoted Muslim. He went to Mecca to perform the hajj. When I was a college student, we used to perform magreeb, eesha and Fazr salat with jamat at home. My father used to be the imam and we two brothers were his followers. As it was usual in my neighborhood, to arrange “Islamic Jalsa” (Waz Mahfill- like a seminar where mulana’s deliver there uncensored (hate) speeches using many loud speakers) for three days, 5 days or even 7 days during winter. Sometimes I used to participate voluntarily in the youth team to serve hujurs and to look after other small things so that the mahfil can on go uninterruptedly and peacefully.
I can remember, once in a similar mahfil, a mulana was speaking about Jews and enlightening audience regarding the filthy nature of Jews, and how despicable they are to Allah among all Allah’s creatures; how they used to fabricate gods orders, how they used to kill their prophets and how they become apes. Before going to the bed I asked my father about it. He attested to it as a matter of fact according to the holy Quran and the hadith - and I should not have any doubt in my mind about the Quran. I went to bed with no doubt in my mind.
The next day, another mulana was delivering his speech and it was about women. He was telling us that according to Rasul, woman has half the intelligence of a man. I was pondering, how come, my mother is only half as intelligent as my father? Why is there proof showing the opposite sometimes! I talked to my father again about it, and as usual, he validates it according to the Hadith. This time the pill was much too bitter for me to swallow. I argued giving references of great women like mother Teresa, Madam Marie Curie etc. I asked him if he thinks either of him or that mulana are doubly as intelligent in comparison Madam Marie Curie. He become speechless. His face turned red and he was about to burst on me. After taking a long breath, he asked my mother to take care of me, as he can see I am going astray day by day. Yes, he was very right!
After that incident, whenever I looked upon my mother, my mind was telling me, no, this can’t be true. It is discrimination to my mother, to my sister and to all women. I felt an urge to look for the truth by myself. I decided to read the Quran, the hadith and Islamic history in Bangla for my own sake and bide my time. There were lots of surprises waiting for me. It was a striking situation for me after reading the Quran. Rather than getting answers to my questions, many new questions popped into mind, of which I had to have satisfactory answers from reliable sources. In plain, I needed to have good explanations from the local authority. I started to keep notes of the Quranic verses while reading, which was, in my view, subjected for explanations. It was the month of Ramadan and I did it for the entire month, reading and keeping notes.
On the day of Eid-ul-Fitre, the local mulanas came to our home as invited by my father. I got the opportunity to present my notes to them after dinner. In addition, I asked how could the Quran be the eternal words of Allah for mankind, when most of the verses of the Quran are very much time bounded to Muhammad's time? I could see it is dealing, instructing about day to day affairs of the prophet and his companions; prescribing persecutions for peoples of his own time. Allah is peering into and invoking on the prophets household affairs; telling tales which have been told by others long before Muhammad. The Quran talks about several nations of past, but not a single time is there any mention of other ancient peoples in China or India or any other i.e America which was unknown to the Arabs of prophets time. Weren’t America or China or India or Australia known to Allah? How come he forgot or just did not care about more than half of the population of his Earth? How it is legitimate for Allah to send people of 7th century India and China or Papua new Guinea into hell; for being charged of idolatry where as they were unaware of the laws Allah was delivering in Arabia through his rasul.
In that case, what will happen to them in after life? Are they going to paradise or hell? Why? How can this very book of ultimate knowledge contain such absurdities, like the existence of Jinn, talking ants, shooting missiles towards wild jinn, moon is an instrument to keep record of times, mountains are pegs to keep balance of the earth etc? If, after uttering talaq three times by the husband, if the couple decide to be re united, why the woman has to be married with a third person and this third person must consummate her? Is not it insult to the woman and a punishment that she does not deserve? What kind of judgment it is?
I was a hopeless case to understand the eternity of the words of Allah and acts of his rasul due to my satanic mind according to the head Mulana. Eventually, The head mulana, his companions my uncles came to the conclusion that it is the effect of my non-Islamic education system of my university which must be discarded at once. In addition I am entitled to receive seven lashes in order for doubting Allah and his rasul and a Tawba is farz for me to repent. My venture of compiling disturbing verses from the Quran and request for explanation ends here with seven lashes and repentance. The note book I presented has been tear down and burnt in front of all.
The next morning I left my home taking pains and unbound disgust with me. Later, I tried to understand Islam as Muslims want us to. I failed; I could not understand how Allah made Mr. Umar satisfied by attesting his desire imposing hijab on women through the Quran! Oh he is all knowing almighty, off course HE can read Umar’s mind! But wait a minute, is it not the Quran that has been preserved in Loh Mahfuz by Allah, written in golden tablets before creating the universe?! If so, then how come this commandment did not come down before Umar showed his desire for that? Behold! It is Allah who decides what to send down and when! Off course Allah knoweth the best !
Interestingly, he knew too that at some time he would need to attest the chastity of Aisha when many believers including holy prophet would doubt her. Of course Allah is the wisest! It is just poor me, pathetically struggled and failed to understand the simplest thing that could be easily understood and taken by a kid! Well, the problem is, I was no more a kid by then. I was able to understand why Allah has to be so active about the “Aisha case” ignoring millions of other problems in the earth.
I utterly failed to understand the importance of legitimization for the holy prophet to marry his adopted son's wife and how this deed is useful or be a good guidance to be followed by the Ummah?. What we as a Muslim, or as a non Muslim, could learn or gain from this prophetic example for our advancements? I never could understand how sura lahab can be considered as the eternal words of the almighty and all merciful creator of the universe. Rather HE sounds to be a frustrated, hateful, vengeful, powerless and mean minded god who can not punish his creature by himself but to curse so nasty humanly. I have learnt that the prophet is the best person among the mankind for the all time and it is my duty to follow his foot steps, imitate him in every aspect of my life. Every Muslim tries it, so did I. But Allah sealed my heart and perhaps I am one of them whom he created to be fuel of his hells. Otherwise how could I be failed again to follow the foot steps of my beloved prophet?
When I will be 52 or 53 (if I am alive then), should I not marry a 6 year old girl? Perhaps a daughter of my friend, no matter if she had reached puberty at age 9 or whatever? Surely I can’t, but it is a prophetic and holy act, far beyond of me to reach as a filthy cynic! I cannot undertake genocide either; like he committed against the Bani qurayza. I cant torture a Kinana just to find out where the treasures are hidden. I cant kill any Ka’b or Asma for composing poetry criticizing me. I cant consummate (Rape) a shafia same day after killing her beloved husband and father. I cant consider innocent children and women as booty. I can’t perform azl with captive women to prevent her pregnancy so that her price does not fall in the slave market. I cannot take 14 wives, many concubines and slave girls to have sex with. I cannot cheat my on wife (Hafsa) to have sex with slave girl Mariah the Coptic. I cannot slay infidels wherever I find them. I cannot abstain myself taking friends from among infidels. There are many more things for which I cannot follow his holiness' footsteps. I don't believe in the myth that “Islam is the religion of Peace" or: "Islam is a complete code of life”. Because, now I know the history of Islam and how it multiplied, I witnessed the Taliban regime (an ideal Islamic regime and real Islam in action) and understood the essence of Islamic “complete code” of life theory, completely unmatched with human rights that I have learnt.
I witnessed the hadith in action when they dealt with women in Afghanistan, forced to leave jobs, hijabified, stoned, lashed and hanged. A bunch of bearded Neanderthals roaming the rocky milieu carrying AK-47's. This picture has become a nightmare for me. Not even in my worst dreams, would I want to be amongst them, never. I don't want to be dictated to by a 7th century caveman in my daily life; how to eat, how to sit, how to sleep, how to sleep with my wife, how to wash my private parts, how to walk, how to select the proper stone to use after urinating. All of a sudden, I became just 'much too unholy' to accept all this craps. I was alone, living with my evil thoughts and having volcanic eruptions inside me. I could not share my thoughts with anyone else freely. I have seen the fate of Taslima Nasreen, and Professor Ahmed Sharif, and I was frightened for myself since I could not control myself many times while talking about religion and especially about Taslima. On several occasions with a couple of tabligue students in my university dormitory. I had been marked as anti-Islamic and pro-Israel. My room mate advised me not to cross the line. I decided not to put myself in any more danger. I changed dormitories and become quiet but never left my quest.
After 9/11, once just to see what would happen, I put the word “anti-Islam” in google and clicked search. It led me to answering Islam.org. For almost 2 years I have been clinging to that site to read its contents almost every day. It was then that I felt that I was not alone. There are many 'evil' minds like me who are after the truth. It empowered my mind and attested to the validity of my questions and thoughts about Islam. I started feeling that at some extent, I was correct about Islam. This site helped me a lot. I started to copy paste many articles onto my hard disk to read them later. I have downloaded books available there and from other similar sites.
I have been greatly inspired by speeches and writings of Dr. Humayun Azad, my favorite professor in university. On February 27, 2004, a brutal assassination attempt occurred to kill him by local jihadis. After about 1 hour, we left him at the ongoing “book fair” after discussing his new book Pak Sar Zamin Sha’ad Ba’ad -1st line of the Pakistani national anthem. After recovering from that attempt, he went to Germany and was found dead at his suite in Munich. I believe they murdered him with the help of Munich al-qaida operatives. I can not forget it; he was like a lone brave fighter who has been fighting against the 'holy' forces with his massive pen (since other great fighter Taslima Nasreen has been already deported from the country.)
This incident had to leave a significant impact on me. By then I was convinced and realized that Islam the “religion of peace” must be taken care of somehow. It must be stopped because there is nothing good in it that can’t be found else where; but it is unique in its evil design, nature and teachings - these are not available elsewhere. It’s the devils cult - transforming good humans into ruthless zombies. It is against humanity, against our advancements, destroying our culture & heritage, taking away our identities, making us Arab controlled dhimmies. Yes it is. Muhammad is not any messenger from any merciful god; he disguised himself as this "Allah". So he lied. He is the biggest liar in history. From now on, I not only denounce Islam - the religion of hate - but shall take an oath to work against this devilish cult for as long as I am able.
Add Your Testimony | Other Apostates | Core Article | Qur'an, Hadith & Scholars | Resources | Helpful Hints
