Diane (former Muslim)
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[Letter from Diane to Ali Sina]
Testimony of Leaving Islam
I was born to a Muslim family in the Middle East. Arabic is my first language. Until about 2 years ago, I never doubted Islam as the true religion, and Allah is the almighty GOD; and Mohammed is the messenger of Allah to humankind. What else would I have known? I was born to a large family with uneducated parents, who blindly accept everything the Quran and the ahadith say. As long as I can remember I always had the tendency to think of God. I wanted to feel close to a super power; an intelligence, great mercy and love. I thought that's what Allah and Mohammed represented. So I tried my best to follow the teaching of Islam, except the wearing of the veil (I was hoping for Allah to forgive me for my sin). I did a lot of what is required from me as Muslim.
I used to pray - sometimes pray extra prayers to please Allah so He let me enter his Heaven. Like a robot I performed the same prayers again and again and again! Everyday - at least five times a day. I fasted in Ramadan and sometimes, I fasted extra days. I read the Quran hundreds of times, and I memorized many parts of it. I read the ahadith (Mohammed's sayings) and memorized many of them. I was doing all these good deeds! I always, noticed the violence and the injustice in the teaching of Islam, but I thought maybe that's because I do not understand the peaceful, divine message yet. So I assumed that the problem is with me; and that Mohammed and His Allah knew much better then I. I thought I needed to work more on strengthening my faith. I asked Allah to clear my heart, and make me a better Muslim, and to allow me to go straight into paradise, and please, please not to toss me into the hell fire. I used to get horrified by the punishment described in the Quran for those who are the inhabitants of the hell. Sometimes I cried when I read the Quran because I was too scared; many claim that the Quran is so beautiful and moves people to tears. Even though I thought the Quran is beautifully written, if rhymes like a poem!
I kept wanting to feel closer to Allah until about 2 years ago. It was Ramadan and I was fasting, and sitting in my room every night praying and reading the Quran. I felt the urge to feel God. So I prayed and prayed, and asked Allah to clear my mind and guide me, and show me the right path. But the unexpected happened; after days and days of asking Allah his guidance continuously, every time I went to pray or read the Quran, I felt sickened, irritated, annoyed. I felt like I was shaking sometimes and angry that I started cursing silently while I am supposed to be performing my prayers. I was troubled about what was happening to me. All that I asked for is to be a better follower, and all what I got is feeling so repelled by the prayers, and the Quran. So I decided to stop praying or reading Quran for a while. I felt bad about it. I thought maybe, Satan is involved! And the devils are messing with my mind. But later on, I calmed down and gradually came to my senses, and after few months of this incident, I realized that Islam is NOT for me. I am a smart, good person, and Islam is evil wearing the fake clothes of a beautiful angel.
So I left Islam for good, and I don't follow any religion now. All the religions I know about have bad things; I believe they all distorted the Image of God. By making GOD seem like a crazy, blood thirsty, psychopath Man. I think that's disgusting. I will never follow anyone, and only follow my heart, because it knows what is right for me. Naturally, every human knows what is right and what is wrong without needing God to send few Male human messengers or his kids to earth to tell people what to do, and to point out the good and the evil. People already have the ability, a built in system, to recognize what is right and what is wrong, and they have the choice to choose between the two. For instance, I can easily tell the wrong and evil form the good in any thing even if it is claimed to be from above!
I now believe in the most loving, most forgiving, a super power and intelligence that operates in every creature, planet, and universe in a peaceful way. It already gave us a beautiful heaven (this universe that we are in), and it will continue to do so by moving us to other heavens after we leave this one; and it also granted us the gift to know the good and the ability to do it, and a freedom to choose. This power doesn't need creatures to praise it; it doesn't burn a fire to barbecue people. It is simply much greater than that.
Thank you
Blessings,
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