Farsideology: Lesson 7 - Apostates

This page contains content of a humorous nature
Continue at your own peril

Lesson 7 – Teaching Islam to Children

Teacher speaking:

Children, today we will study apostasy in Islam. As we recite Sahih Bukhari, Vol. 9, Book 84, No. 57; let us note that the exact method for killing an apostate was not specified by Muhammad. However, Muhammad, the perfect human, did specify a method for killing criminals – the cutting off of hands and feet.

Children reciting in unison :

Some Zanadiqa (atheists) were brought to 'Ali and he burnt them. The news of this event, reached Ibn 'Abbas who said, "If I had been in his place, I would not have burnt them, as Allah's Apostle forbade it, saying, 'Do not punish anybody with Allah's punishment (fire).' I would have killed them according to the statement of Allah's Apostle, Whoever changed his Islamic religion, then kill him. "

Teacher speaking:

I will divide the class into five groups, and each group will investigate a method for killing an apostate. You will be graded on your creativity and cruelty. Your five methods will be listed below. Don’t forget the homework assignments on the blackboard.

The Electrocution Method

The apostate will be connect to an electric chair, and one hundred thousand volts will be applied to his head. The electrons created by Allah would stream through his body turning the apostate into charcoal.

Teacher responding:

The Electrocution Method is wonderfully efficient but not very original.

The Microwave Method

The apostate will be put into a large microwave oven. The microwaves will turn the water molecules of the apostate into steam. The apostate will literally explode.

Teacher responding:

The Microwave Method has great promise. This method wins the gold medal for originality.

The Sulfuric Acid Method

The apostate will be put into a large tank . Sulfuric acid will slowly drip into the tank causing great pain and suffering. Only the bones of the apostate will be left.

Teacher responding:

The Sulfuric Acid Method has a superb potential for cruelty. This method wins the gold medal for cruelty.

The Chain Saw Method

A chain saw will be used to slice and dice the apostate into many small pieces.

Teacher responding:

The Chain Saw Method has the magical touch of a Hollywood horror movie.

The Compaction Method

The apostate will be tied down to the road surface, and a 100 thousand kilogram road roller will flattened the apostate to the thickness of paper.

Teacher responding:

The Compaction Method is sensational. With the proper placement of the apostate, this method can be very useful in filling potholes. Praise be to Allah, no more potholes!

Homework Assignment

1. Write the following verse 100 times:

In the last days there will appear young people with foolish thoughts and ideas. They will give good talks, but they will go out of Islam as an arrow goes out of its game, their faith will not exceed their throats. So, wherever you find them, kill them, for there will be a reward for their killers on the Day of Resurrection. – Sahih Bukhari, Vol. 6, Book 61, No. 577

2. To earn this reward on the Day of Resurrection, which one of the following classical methods of killing would you use on young people with foolish thoughts and ideals?. What should be your reward on the Day of Resurrection? Gold? Wine? Sex?

. . . . . . .