MAZE (former Muslim)
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Leaving Islam, An Apostate’s Narrative
I was born in an era when this region went through enormous changes which later altered the entire course of history. The Russians had invaded Afghanistan and the Americans were deeply troubled by the spread of Communism. The cold war was at its peak. Pakistan was taken over by the military after a coup was staged by General Zia-ul-haq. The elected Prime Minister Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto was hanged through a flawed trial based on a split decision. Zia initially treated as a pariah; was later whole heartedly embraced by the international community to use Pakistan as a front line state to halt the advancement of communism. The Islamisation program of the Zia regime had a deep and profound impact on the entire nation specially the youth growing up in this environment. School text books were filled with verses from the Koran eulogizing the virtues of Jihad. History was distorted to present a false and unreal version. Mahmud of Ghanvi a Muslim conqueror who plundered India’s wealth and decimated number of Hindu temples was hailed as a hero. Aurengzaib Alamgir was glorified as a pious and just Muslim ruler even though he massacred Sikhs on a large scale. Hindus were shown as worse than pigs and deficient in intelligence. Two new subjects were introduced: Islamic Studies and Pakistan Studies. Both of these courses were made mandatory to be studied by every student from grade one till college graduation. A whole generation was indoctrinated to hate using these poisonous propaganda techniques. The Jihadi culture also led to a propagation of private militias. These organizations were fully supported by the military with the explicit aim of using them as proxies in Indian occupied Kashmir. The proliferation of weapons, however gave rise to sectarian killings leading to further dichotomy in the society. The reverberations of such fallacious policy are being clearly felt now. The entire country has turned into an inferno and hardly a day goes by without a bomb blast at one place or the other.
I have given this background so that the reader can have an idea about the overall rigid atmosphere of that period. Religion which in this case was only Islam was being constantly rammed down through different mediums such as television, school, mosques etc. However there was not a specific event in my life which led me to become an apostate. It happened gradually over the years as I read, questioned and met people from different cultures. I was fortunate to be born in a Liberal Muslim family. Religion was never imposed. I did use to accompany my grandfather to the mosque every Friday for the Friday prayer. Like so many other children, I had to read the Koran in Arabic. I still remember how I hated this exercise of reading something in a completely alien language. To this day I am unable to understand the need for this futile activity. Why every child has to read the Koran in Arabic? To me this task only hinders their intellectual capacity and is a burden on young minds.
Years went by until I was selected to study at a prestigious military school. I was in my early teens at that time probably twelve or thirteen years old. It was actually a boarding institution with a housing facility. There was not an over emphasis on religion; however sunset and Friday prayers were compulsory for every student. The entire college had one mosque. Both Shia and Sunni students used to pray in the same mosque behind a single imam. This feat was actually quite impressive as every sect in Pakistan has its own place of worship. I was good at studies but due to my lethargic attitude was never able excel in sports. I become good friends with a class fellow who was fairly religious. I was enchanted by his honesty, candor and straight talk. He left an acute effect on my young impressionable mind. Slowly I started delving in religion. Not only did I start praying regularly but also used to spend more time in the mosque reciting Koran. Here I must admit about attaining that elusive inner peace at the expense of my academics. My studies suffered and my grades tumbled. I became extremely devout and used to spend most of my idle time in the mosque. However never in my mind did it occur to me to commit acts of violence. This phase continued for over a year until it met its own death. I started skipping my prayers and just got back to being a regular Joe. However I never lost my faith.
Because of a medical problem I could not continue in the military. Years went on and I finally made it to a university. It was an Islamic University. Luckily I studied at the management science faculty and hence kept myself away from the overall religious atmosphere of the university. As stated earlier Islamic studies was a compulsory subject. I had to study a few courses of Islamiat even though they had utterly no relevance to my under graduate degree. I can still recall the day when my Islamic studies professor claimed that only Muslims are entitled to enter heaven. According to his opinion all Muslim rapists, assassins, murderers, thieves, robbers will eventually go to heaven after being punished by Allah for their crimes. On the contrary people from other faiths will go to hell simply because they did not believe in Islam despite being virtuous. Common sense tells us that such a practice is against all norms of justice and fairness. Why would people go to hell for believing in Jesus and not in Muhammad? Why do Muslims have this arrogance that they are the chosen ones with a God ordained license for heaven? These questions hovered in my mind back then but I never asked for fear of being branded as an unbeliever. Another requirement for my degree was to memorize several last chapters of the Koran known as suras. Again I found this to be a tedious assignment with no practical applicability.
My professional career commenced after my graduation. I worked in the banking industry for a few years until I was offered a position by an Australian defense contractor working in Pakistan. I readily took up that job as I had always been keen on interacting with people from diverse cultural backgrounds. Unlike my previous work place with a stifled and bureaucratic atmosphere; I really enjoyed the relaxed work environment. There were no invocations of God. In fact the work actually got done. One of my work mates was born in a Greek orthodox family. In essence he was an agnostic. He used to constantly challenge me by asking inquisitive questions. Like every Muslim I believed Koran to be the literal word of God and that not a letter or word has changed ever since its revelation. I was questioned about this claim several times. In response I would quote this verse:
“Verily We have sent down the Quran and indeed We will guard it from corruption.” (Quran 15:9)
Of course this verse does not reveal anything about the preservation of the Koran. To me this is just an assertion by a so called deity. In short I never had a satisfactory answer. This experience of working for a foreign organization was an eye opener for me. I realized that people can be ethical, moral and reasonable even if they believed in a different religion or are faithless. There was one incident which really put me off. I had gone to offer my Eid prayers upon my mother’s insistence to the local mosque. At the end the Mullah prayed for the destruction and killing of Christians and Jews. This really disgusted me. Why should I pray for their demise when the Christians that I worked with have been absolutely good to me? Till that day I have never set my foot in a mosque.
Pakistan today is erupted by a spate of suicide bombings. This phenomenon which was restricted only to Palestine and later Afghanistan slowly made inroads after the military started taking action against the armed militants in tribal areas. Scores of innocent people have died in this mayhem. The irony is that these children are lured into this trap by promising virgins and streams flowing with milk in the after life. This to me is a blatant use of religion for carrying out acts of violence. These acts of brutality have taken me to a point of no return. All I have now is contempt and scorn for all forms of organized religions. I cannot be part of a religion which sanctities the slaying of unbelievers. I can be honest, just and moral without a god. I don’t have to give charity out of greed to be rewarded in the afterlife. I would rather help some one because that is the right thing to do.
It is not easy for some one like me to live in Pakistan which is an over excessively religious society. Apostasy is a grave sin punishable by death. This is another absurdity of Islam which is laughable and hypocritical. Why can’t Allah just castigate that person in the after life? Why does He need another man to do His job? While Muslims want to convert the whole world to Islam; yet a Muslim leaving Islam is punishable by death. Saudi Arabia; the cradle of Islamic civilization provides funds for setting up mosques and donations to Muslims charities all around the world. However the practice of non-Muslim religions is prohibited and such an act can lead to severe repercussions. The collective hatred and hostility of the entire Muslim nation towards Jews is also incomprehensible to me. The atrocities and human rights violations committed by the Israeli defense forces are a regular feature of our media. However all books are silent about the Holocaust. All we hear about is hidden Jewish hand behind every act of terrorism in Pakistan. The time has come now for Muslims to learn something from the Jews. Six million Jews were massacred during the Second World War. Yet they did not blow themselves up in German restaurants. They did not kill innocent people. Instead they got themselves together and achieved an unimaginable feat. Israel is surrounded by enemies and has been decisively victorious in all its wars against its foes.
I am very passionate about my belief and have been a bit vocal about it at times. I have been intimidated and harassed. Some of my acquaintances even wanted to convert me when they heard some of my irreligious remarks. So now I am far more cautious and usually keep my mouth close, the Internet has really been a blessing to me. I have access to such material which is most likely banned here. I have seen debates and talk shows on Youtube. Surprisingly Richard Dawkins best seller book “The God Delusion” was available at the local book store. It was certainly incisive. I even bought a couple of book by Ibn Waraq through amazon.com and had a friend bring them to me from states. The book “Why I am not a Muslim” gives a fascinating account of Muslim history along with an in depth analysis on various aspects of Islam. However I also feel that the Muslim identity will stay with me even if I leave Pakistan because of my name and my race. I somehow wish to get rid of it. At the moment I don’t see how that is possible. I also have some fear of the unknown. I really want to throw it of myself. Despite this I am a now more calm, collected and balanced person.
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