MOMO (former Muslim)
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Testimony of Leaving Islam
I believe I left Islam mostly because of the difficulty I had with resolving my innermost natures with the torturous rules of Islam - especially the 5 daily prayers (esp. with having to maintain wudu). Along with all the stresses involved with trying to be something that was unnatural (as much as Muslims would like to have you believe that Islam is the most natural thing in the world), I was also undergoing many other stresses. Please do not get me wrong; Since I was a child I loved "God". I truly loved what I believed to be my creator, etc. Of course all this was taught to me by my parents the same way it is taught to children of all religions; and the same way Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny are taught to most American youngsters. I guess my first inkling of doubt came when I was still young,only 6. I was molested by a neighbor's child, and this shattered my trust in Allah. I was born Muslim. I could never reconcile this atrocity with a Just, All Merciful God.
I tried! I studied Islam hard. I even went overseas to college to study. It was there I got involved in Sufistic type beliefs - very spiritual, in other words. This was also the first time I was institutionalized for Manic Depression. My mother passed away and I went crazy and believed I was the Mehdi and that I must walk to Mecca for whatever reason. Luckily I had friends who got me to a hospital. To speed forward, I spent the next 12 years continuing to pretend to be Muslim even though I wasn't. Finally after all the stress built up again, I was institutionalized once again - this time I had many visions and spiritual experiences which led me to believe that All of Existence is Of One and the Same Essence and that if you want to call that God that is fine. If you don't, it is also fine. Truth/Falsehood, Good/Evil, On/Off, Existence/Nothingness, Yin/Yang - it's all One and the Same from many different perspectives. I now believe we are all just emanations of one and the same consciousness futility trying to experience something other than it's self, but the only way to obviously do that is to forget oneself. Funny isn't it God is constantly forgetting Himself - to get to know Himself (i.e. sinning to forgive). Whatever. It's just my take
But the fact of the matter is that I am not a Muslim any more. I don't know if I ever will be again; the messed up thing is that there are certain things that are still hard wired in me that make me scared - like I still fear Hell. But wasn't the point to fear God? I think Prophet Muhammad would be proud of the fear he has put into generations upon generations of humanity. If there is a hell, I am sure Muhammad will be welcome there. I just hope there is not, and that peace can truly be experienced by all for eternity (Including our beloved "Prophet" Muhammad, at least his intentions were good. Look at the state of society in his time - It never did make sense to me why one should pay for eternity for a sin that was committed in a brief moment in time; even as sin as heinous as the ones committed by Hitler and the Nazi's. I think that a God who is Most Merciful and Eternal could give us more than one lifetime to overcome our sins and repent, don't you think? But this is all just rambling, because I believe we are all God living in different expressions of Himself and experiencing the same thing Our self, Our Oneness. I AM. (Or as Popeye said I AM that I AM and that's all that I AM!)
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