Mibar (Former Muslim)
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Testimony of Leaving Islam
I'm a Malay from Singapore, living in the closet as an atheist. I was born and brought up as a fairly good Muslim. I always prayed 5 times a day. My parents were strict and taught me really well about Islam, sending me to religious classes. I used to hate it when people would criticize Islam and would stand up for it. I started questioning my religion at 17 when I was in a relationship with a Catholic girl. When my parents found out, they got upset and warned me not to see her again.
I respected their decision and understood why I could not be with her, but with that, I began to wonder why there were so many religion in the world. I loved Islam and believed that Islam was the true religion. It eventually dawned on me that this was only because I was born into a Muslim family, and it was the same logic used by people of other religions. They were going to hell because of the religion of the parents, and for them to go to paradise, they must become Muslims and study Islam. So, to be fair, I thought I should do the same thing and learn about other religions.
I opened my mind and started thinking. I read the Qur'an, Bible, Torah, learn about Buddhism, Hinduism etc. and even the religion of tribes. I also went to churches and temples with my non-Muslim friends to further understand their religion. Even so, I did all this with the thought of strengthening my religion and always compared the other religion to Islam. However, after a while, the idea of religion itself became more and more ridiculous. I had more questions than when I had started. I've been so caught up with knowing which god is the true God, that I failed to ask myself, is there even a god to begin with?
I searched the internet and read books about atheism. I then came to believe that religion is delusional. I felt like my whole life was a lie. I was having an existential crisis and I felt lost and alone. I felt that there was no purpose in my life. I also had this fear and anxiety when I thought of leaving Islam. The idea of hell and punishment that was taught and programmed into me ever since I was young is very disturbing. I felt the need to talk to someone but I knew I couldn't just tell anyone about this.
Eventually, I talked about this to a friend, or so I thought. He was a Muslim too and at first he tried convincing me to go back to Islam. He told me what I'm doing is a sin. When his words come to no avail, he stopped talking to me completely. I haven't told anyone since as I do not want to lose any more friends.
What made me even more secretive about my atheism is when my parents got into my laptop and found that I had been surfing through a lot of atheist website. I got a hell of a scolding. My mom cried and my dad told me I wasn't his son any more. In the end I had no choice but to lie to them and convince them that I was only curious and still love Islam. I had to recite the shahadah and my dad made me recite verses from the Qur'an.
I still live in the closet, telling no one that I'm an atheist as I would probably receive backlash from the Muslim community here. Whenever I pray together with my family, I feel like a hypocrite. It is hard sometimes and I do get the fear of hell but I have to live with it. I just hope that time will make it better. I get support and encouragement from on-line forum and on-line groups as it is very hard to find ex-Muslims in Singapore and I don't think there any groups like this is Singapore. I'm sure there are others who are experiencing similar problems to me.
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