Notthrilled (former Muslim)
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Testimony of Leaving Islam
I was raised a Christian. We attended Christian Schools were very active in the church. I taught Sunday School, Vacation Bible School etc. We went to the movies, dances bowling etc. We did everything as a family. In the early 90s my brother became Muslim. A couple of years later my parents followed. Then I became Muslim. At the time my brother was married to a young lady who I thought was a very down to earth Muslim Young Lady. She wore hijab, prayed etc.
We began attending prayer classes at the mosque. There I was introduced to a brother. He was very different from everyone else in the mosque.He was very knowledgeable about Islam. He didn't listen to music or watch TV. Right away those things became something I was advised against doing. Normally I would wear makeup, latest hairstyles, short jacket you name it. That was no longer acceptable. I was not covered up enough. At first I could wear a long shirt and jeans or long skirt and shirt. That was not enough. Next, I was supposed to wear an over garment to work. Finally I was expected to wear an abaya when going out. An abaya is worn OVER the over garment and also Niqab. (Face covering) We don't live in Saudi mind you, we live in the U.S.
Once I had children, I was not looked at favorably because I worked. Many of the so called sisters acted if I was "disobedient" and some sort of rebel. My children were also seen as weird because they had a mother who worked and they attended daycare. Once my children were born I was subjected to another set of rules. No books with pictures, no TV, no toys with faces, no movies, no playing with boys - you name it. Looking back on my own childhood, I had all of these things. We were not rich. But we looked at TV, we played with dolls and turned out pretty darn well. I never understand what that has to with Islam.
As a woman, my entire life was defined by staying home and how I covered. Among sisters it is the main topic of conversation who is "deening" based upon how they cover. Same with female children. I do not make my children wear long garments so I am "not teaching them Islam" There were rumors spread about me within the community because I do not cover my face all the time. Never in my life have I been subjected to such nonsense. Add to that the fact that Im now divorced from the brother. I want to be a person who is spiritual and not performing rituals for the sake of performing them. I do not want to practice a faith out of fear. I do not speak Arabic, so I often feel silly when I can rattle something off in Arabic but when someone asks me what it means I have no idea.
I do not want to beat my children for not praying. A lot of people love to quote that :"and beat them when they reach 10.." for not praying. (I'm paraphrasing) We go to God because we want to and out of fear. At least that's what I thought as a child. My parents never forced me to pray. I cannot imagine that. I'm not comfortable with the separatist life. The brothers go off and do their thing while the women are at home. Many times very burdened, overburdened with cooking, cleaning, homeschooling you name it. I don't want to be the kind of mother who sends her kids to the mosque or tells them to pray but I don't do it myself.
My children are getting older and I do want them to have strong faith and morals. Right now I feel like a hypocrite. Wearing hijab but not really believing it in my heart. I guess other Muslims can sense that because I always feel "watched" and judged.
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