Rabbi (Former Muslim)
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Testimony of Leaving Islam
I was born in Sweden to a Muslim family that migrated from Bangladesh in the early 80's. My mother is a typical devotee to Islam, whereas my father is more ambiguous (at least that is how I perceived him during my early years). In spite of their religious convictions, my parents always insisted on me being open with them, but more on that later.
Like some of the other stories published here, I was participating in Quran reciting from the age of 6, as part of the "tradition" and ways of a Muslim family. I even gave Islam and theistic faith a greater room in my life during my early adolescent years, during a time when I was going through a period of depression and looking for answers.
However, soon I realized that religion in general, and Islam in particular, was not the way forward as I started to question many general beliefs and ideas of people surrounding me. Many of the answers that I received regarding a Muslim's way of life was very contradicting depending on who I asked. I started to think that life cannot be this difficult to live, and having to obey to certain rules would make it even harder. Also, one of the standard answers to why one should be of religious faith has always been that religion is the backbone for all human empathy. That is something that I found incorrect. I believe that we as humans are all emphatic by nature, and that my empathy does not diminish or disappear just because I do not have any religious faith. Religion has also brought with it many different conflicts due to their different beliefs, which cannot be regarded as emphatic.
Also, one of my greatest interests and hobbies in life has always been music. Although my parents have not discouraged me from it, it is something that is stated in Islam as prohibited. Why would something as beautiful and intellectually challenging as arts be banned? They simply did nothing to satisfy my quest for knowledge about me or the world around me. Instead, it was tangible results of science and its theories, and the discussions and philosophies derived from social sciences that more adequately could describe and enlighten me. Science described and could explain our origins and how we came about in a way that I could relate to and embrace. Social sciences helped to understand why I was feeling and reacting the way I was, and also helped to describe (if not answering) the questions I had in a way that I could take my thoughts and apply them in real world.
I slowly started to be more open with my parents, but never attacked their beliefs as I always suspected that it may very well turn out for the worse. My mother would ask me, time to time, whether I drank alcohol, in which case I would answer her; yes, I do. As a person born and raised in the Western civilization, I do like a glass of wine from time to time. I was met with great displeasure and was quickly told to stop. Still, I was met with the same reaction the next time the question arose. My mother simply did not want to listen to me about how I perceived and wanted to live my life, as it did not correspond to the way of life that she was brought up with. It certainly did not correspond to the way of life if one is a faithful Muslim. My mother would also ask me whether I was seeing or dating anyone. I would answer her; no, I do not. An answer which was true, but only because I did not let myself do it, and not because I did not want to. It was a lesson well learnt from earlier, when I had been open with them about dating, and was received as being wrong in making in my choice.
But none of these situations excelled the reaction and outright rage on their behalf than what was to come. As mentioned in my first paragraph, here is where my earlier thoughts about my parents started to diminish. Some years ago, I started to date my lovely wife-to-be. I felt that it was time for me to be as open about my life as I wanted to be, and be as open as I was told to be. The reaction was everything but joyous, mainly due to the fact that she was not of Bengali descent. Their arguments of cultural differences and other spiritual ideologies connected to beliefs were downright ignorant. They said that they would never approve of this. They said that they would renounce me as their son. And that was the first time I truly realized how religions create boundaries for the individual.
After dating for a while, my fiancé and I decided that we should move in together. Once I told my parents about it, it was met with even more rage and further threats of renunciation. "No Muslim can live together with their partner before they're married!" was the slogan. By that time, I had started to feel as if there was nothing I could do. Partly due to the great grief inside of me that I wanted to contain in any way possible, and partly due to the fact that I believed they were wrong.
Time went, and as they say with time, it heals most wounds. With this healing, my parents and I were able to meet again and start to build up our relationship.
All this time, though, I was never really as open about my atheist approach in life. I was afraid that I would lose them again, and would therefore not mention it in front of them. This lead to the much fierce "debate" that followed recently.
One day we visited my parents to discuss our wedding plans. We mentioned that there would be no religious elements included whatsoever. We want to start our lives together and build our foundation on the ideas that we want to pursue. This was not received well at all, with my parents going so far as to say that the religious ceremony MUST be included, in order for them to acknowledge our marriage. We were firm in our position that we were not religious and did not believe in the existence of any god and that religion has no place in our lives. We respect that they wish us to follow their customs, but we are building a life of our own. In fear of them not attending our wedding, we decided that we would think about it. After playing "devil's advocate" for the entire weekend, today I will go and let them know that I love them but I want to live my life according to my believes and out in the open.
So here I am, hours away from proclaiming my beliefs, hoping that my parents won't finally renounce me for wanting to live my life as I want to just because of religious dogma and traditional values.
My final words go out to S. (whose testimonial was what made me write my own story). Thank you for being such a strong person and sharing your story. We come from very different worlds, but I do connect with your story on some levels, as there are substance from your story which can be equally applicable to mine. I cannot say whether I would have the strength to go through even half of everything that you have been through, only that I wish that I can.
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