Susu (former Muslim)
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Testimony of Leaving Islam
I became a Muslim at a particularly low moment in my life, I was 24 at the time and disillusioned with life, I had a Quran in the book shelf that had been a gift from a Muslim acquaintance and after reading it I felt intrigued and wished to know more- I then made contact with a Muslim organization and within a very short space of time converted to Islam. For reasons I cannot understand today, I just submitted myself to whatever I was told was the correct Islamic way to do things, I wore full hijab, had an arranged marriage to a man I hardly new, he was a 'good brother' and that was supposed to be enough for me to marry him, I never really had much time to fully study my new faith prior to this. My husband had serious mental health issues his family conveniently didnt tell me about,life was very difficult with him, and i felt resentful that he was supposed to be my 'master' head of the family, I should obey him etc, when he was out of his head half the time and didnt have a clue the rest of the time. I had four children with him, after all the best women have lots of kids, I suffered for years as did my children, in order to gain God's pleasure for being patient with my husband. My family wouldnt speak to me for years, and being English, most Muslims like to stick with people from their own country and I felt quite isolated at times, though I did know many Muslims. I began to realise that Islam was followed very differently by different groups and countries, all of them claimed to be the sect that was on the right path, I began to feel I was no different, following a brand of Islam that was acceptable to my western mind. When I heard disturbing things about Islam, I would dismiss them as lies or distortion of the truth, but I could not keep doing that. Books like Ibn Ishaqs 'Risullulah' made very disturbing reading, the fatwa and reaction to Salman Rushdie completely flawed me, I just didnt know how to reconcile this to myself, let alone to others. The way that many muslims abused the system in my country ie benefits, housing, marriage for passports, and justified these things because it was a 'kafir' system. I eventually got divorced from my first husband, I couldn't cope with him anymore, a lot of muslims in the community had a go at me about it. I remained a Muslim though, I think I was still deluded enough to believe the main bulk of the faith even if I had misgivings about some matters. I remarried a few years later, being divorced with kids, I was told that I would have to accept either an old man, I was then 35, or to be a 2nd wife as no unmarried man would want a woman with kids. I foolishly went along with it and became a 2nd wife, an experience that was perhaps the one most humiliating and degrading experience that I have ever had. I had a further two children, but felt that polygamy was an evil thing and how could God allow something that is so hurtful to women? It semed OK in theory, but in practice it is horrendous. I knew that if I rejected one aspect of Islam, it was like rejecting all of it, Islam is supposed to be perfected by God, for me to say it wasn't was an act of kufr. Before many aspects of Islam had just remained theoretical on paper- not real, but practicing polygamy gave me a taste of 'real' Islam. I began to look closer, particularly at those things I had chosen to overlook before, Aisha's marriage at the age of 6, Issues like slavery,how could I imagine being captured as a prisoner by men who have just killed my menfolk and then being expected to have sex with one of them, it has to be rape doesn't it? How can a divine religion allow this. Then think about the Quranic hell, really think about it- people being burned for eternity- what crime can possibly deserve such an awful punishment? well we women do for being ungrateful towards husbands, never mind the husbands ingratitude towards us.
Well I left my 2nd husband and I left Islam after 20 years, I feel like a huge chunk of my life has gone- like a murderer just come out of prison after serving a life sentence- life is good now, back to normal- its quiet, ordinary, peaceful- and that's the way I want it to stay.
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