Waterlily (Former Muslim)
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Testimony of Leaving Islam
It started with a simple question at the age of 8: "if Allah created us then who created Allah?". My mom was shocked by this question as she didn't expect it but she dealt with it very well. Instead of punishing me or hitting me she replied "I was asking myself this question when I was your age, I have no answer to that as Allah is all knowing. You better not ponder on the things you do not know as it could drive you away from the righteous path. Just follow Allah the way he instructs us". Her answer was sufficient at that time as I didn't think about it for a while. Around that age I started wearing a black cloak as I developed faster than my peers, I had to hide my tiny body from the hungry eyes of men triple my age. My bike was taken away from me and I couldn't go outside to play with other kids in the neighborhood. My mom was trying to make me wear the face cover but my older sister said if I did then my childhood is over so I tried to hold on to what is left.
Years after we moved to a strictly religious city in Saudi Arabia so I had to wear a more strict hijab. In that place sexually charged youth turned to homosexuality as a release because interaction between the two sexes was close to none. I have also been sexually harassed (physically and verbally) in public because a woman who leaves her home specially without a male guardian is a whore and deserves what comes her way. This is one of the main reasons why women still don't drive in the kingdom. That city made me resent parts of Islam but a part of me still believed in Allah.
I have never kept my timely prayers even if I tried for some odd reason but I believed that Allah knows that I'm a good person. I have never tried to hurt anyone, I love animals and nature. I have never sought revenge from people who hurt me. I never understood why would Allah prefer prayers with robotic movement and repeated verses instead of a genuine good deed or prayer. I tried to concentrate in my prayers but was never able to, I prayed to Allah so that he would guide me and give me strength to follow Islam. I prayed to love Quran and memorize it, somehow my prayers were left unanswered.
My hate towards religion started growing when a dear relative of mine was at a hospital waiting for her husband's signature to allow her treatment. I prayed so much like I never did before, I apologized to Allah for my lake of commitment and promised to keep my prayers if she gets better. I was hoping for a miracle, she was a devoted Muslim why can't she get a miracle plus she was one of the most wonderful people I have ever encountered. But she died anyway waiting for a stupid signature that would have allowed her to receive treatment! I didn't understand why would Allah let that happen. I tried to entertain the though of her in a better place but couldn't overlook the fact that her death was because of male chauvinistic reasons that religion fostered. All women's suffering from period to child bearing to child birth to all the hormonal changes to being a minor for the rest of our lives to the pressure of keeping our modesty while trying to fulfill husbands' sexual needs and be willing to remain faithful to men who are allowed 3 more wives and countless sex slaves we are still the majority of hell's residents. Even if I assume that I was one of the lucky ones who end up in heaven I would still have to endure the polygamy of my dear heavenly husband as he is allowed 4 wives and countless virgin slaves.
I tried to push back my resentment as I wasn't ready to let go of religion yet so I started to read more about Quran, Hadith and stories about Islam. I was searching for answers and other more relaxed opinions of Islam as the Saudi version wasn't of my liking. So I became one of those open minded Muslims who believe that Islamic interpretation was distorted by closed-minded scholars and that Islam is the religion of peace. I started discussing religion with others specially atheists, I thought I won every argument but eventually when I became one I realized that they just gave up on me. I believed that most of Hadith was wrong as it was written and gathered by people after the prophets death. Also, I came to realize that the prophet didn't want anyone to write his Hadith. So that was my last resort.
I was happy in the garden of ignorance until I was discussing religion with my younger brother. I told him about my views of Hadith, so he said "then how can we know if Quran is truly the word of god?" I asked him "What do you mean?". He replied, "Quran was gathered twice after the prophets death, how do we know that it wasn't tampered with?" I tried to keep my cool and answered "because Allah said he will protect it". It was a simple question but it shook my very existence. I came out of the house feeling dizzy and nauseous with a lot of questions exploding inside my head, how come the Quran was gathered twice? The first time wasn't enough? Why did Uthman Ibn Affan burned all other copied except one? They claim that Quran was written in different accents, but how can we be sure that it's only the accents that were different?
Another shock is when I came to realization that there is no verse about stoning in Quran but there is a Hadith that states that there was an ayah but Omar Ibn alkhatab didn't add it to Quran in the fear that people would accuse him of changing Quran! So if there was really an ayah that means Quran isn't really protected by Allah and can be tampered with! And the shocks kept on coming when I learned that the prophet attempted suicide, the killing of the men of an entire Jewish tribe, the prophets incident of sleeping with his slave girl (Maria) in one of his wife's bed (Hafsa) and marrying a woman (Saffiya) only days after her father and husband were killed by Muslims. The more I learned the more disgusted I became with religion, and I started seeing through the lies we keep telling ourselves. That Islam is the religion of peace! Then why can't we see peace neither in history nor in present days!!! Why women are so inferior in every aspect of life and after life although we are held accountable of every small thing we do. Why do we beat children to preform robotic prayers even though spirituality should never be forceful. Why do we fast for long hours during Ramadan while ignoring scientific facts, that we should eat more frequently during the day to maintain our health?
Sadly I cannot announce my recent change of views as I have married a Muslim man whom I love dearly. When we first met we held liberal views but now a days he is moving towards religion while I moved out of it. He will never accept the fact that I don't believe in Allah anymore, so either I keep pretending or just tell him and let our marriage fall apart.
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