Wissam (former Muslim)
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Testimony of Leaving Islam
I was born in 1980 and I have 4 sisters and 3 brothers. I have lived my whole life in Saudi Arabia - minus roughly 4 years. When I became aware of my surroundings, I was about 4 years old. My family was a very normal Saudi family. My siblings and parents were totally moderate in their Islamic views and practice.
When I was 4, I used to pretend to pray. The funny part was that I was wearing the scarf and body cover while praying. I did so because I had spent most of my time with my sisters who, as you know, being females, had to wear these when they prayed. Of course at the time, I thought everybody had to. I enjoyed praying, because my family loved it. Although I didn’t know what to say, I just mimicked them, doing those moves and saying nothing. I was so happy to get praised by my family. My elementary school came to foster my “young fresh” thoughts of Islam. In Saudi Arabia, it is mandatory to study a great deal of Islamic courses starting from the 1st grade up until undergraduate. The Islamic courses comprise more than half of the curriculum. The first few years were merely pure dictation. Students face questions like:
- Who is your God?
- What is your religion?
- Who is your prophet?
We had to verbally answer these questions. Every student had to reply: Allah, Islam, and Muhammad, respectively. That’s a reason why Saudi’s are such devout Muslims. Families also play a key role in consolidating the principles and pillars of Islam in their children, starting from kindergarten. By the age of 8 (3rd grade), I was somehow forced to pray by my family. This was kind of odd to me. My Daddy, at the time, never prayed - not even once! Neither did my brothers. It was only practiced by the ‘female’ part of the family. When my mammy started to bother me and oblige me to pray, I just hated it. Lots of moves, 5 times a day, and more importantly, ablution (‘Wudu’). As a kid, just like cats, I just didn’t like the idea of getting exposed to water (sometimes it was cold); and not being able to play soccer or play a video game instead of praying. However, the notion of Islam and its prophet was just like an “absolute truth” to me.
A year later, I found my self feeling lonely. My 3 sisters got married and moved to another city. My 2 brothers went out of town to continue their schooling. My daddy - who loves to stay in his room 24/7), a brother - who spends most of his time out of our home), my sister - who stays in her bedroom, My mother, and lastly myself, were now occupying the house. My mother was my mate at home. Unfortunately, this gave her more opportunity to force me to pray. Prayer is the major thing in Islam, even when a family is a bit liberal or moderate.
To exacerbate things, my mother became VERY religious in 1989. Less than a year later, my dad followed in her footsteps. The burden was unbearable. Both of them tried all the ways they could think of to force me to pray; yet honestly, they never overreacted - never hit me or anything like that. With my deep belief in Islam and the pressure from my parents, I chose to become more religious own my own. When I was 10, I used to wear short thobs (as this is considered sunnah) - and a Shemagh (Ghutra). I also joined in with the Quranic studies in the mosque, where I memorized a whole Surah. Of course I also prayed almost all my prayers at the mosque. I didn’t really enjoy it, it was just my parents’ contentment that led me to continue with it and work hard. I was religious in a strange way though. After my siblings left, I fell in love with music, so even though I was religious (in Arabic: Mutawwa or Multazim), I couldn’t end my love toward music (which is forbidden - “haram” - in Islam according to the vast majority of scholars).
The only thing that disturbed me at the time (between 1990 and 1992) was my sister. I felt that she wasn’t religious enough, but what annoyed me more was her way of viewing things. She was more of a liberal, if you will. Surely I couldn’t talk to her about any of this because she is older than me - so it wasn’t proper for me to argue about it. When I was 12, I started to get back to my own ways. That is, I became less religious. As a matter of fact, I lost a lot of my dedication to memorizing the Quran and praying. I remember chuckling/giggling while praying everyday at school with my schoolmates; for no reason. Praying the Dhuhr prayer “noon prayer” is obligatory in schools, and this is the only prayer to be performed at school. Students finish the school day before the Asr prayer.
Reading through the history books (school books) that were 90% about Islam, I was like "whatever"! Muhammad is the man, he’s the prophet! Most of the stories and incidents were presented in a certain way, in order to show the good/positive sides of Islam, while this comprises very little of the true history of Islam, which shows a completely different version. In my school books, every raid/war was justified in one way or another, especially by claiming that Muhammad and the Muslims were the victims of betrayals and deceits. I believed the prophet was merciful, a kind and humane man. I was somewhere in the middle - between devout/extreme/fundamentalist Muslims and liberal/non-practicing/secular Muslims, although I leaned a bit towards the latter. This was augmented in the next few years due to my continuous attempts to understand people, life, truth, and love. I felt that leftists were more humane than conservatives in Saudi Arabia. The latter called to hate the west and invade the west one day when we get the power. They know nothing in life but Muslims, as if the rest of the world's population were objects and not human beings; unlike those liberal Muslims who understand Islam differently. In addition to that, I started to quietly observe my sister and the way she thinks, behaves and even talked.
In 1994 we moved to another city on the west coast (where we originally belong). My high school years were normal, except for the following:
- I became more liberal, maybe because the new city was less conservative than the city in which I grew up.
- My parents kept preaching about the importance of prayers. During most of my high school days, my dad used to do something a bit weird: He had this habit of forcing me to pray only the Fajr prayer (the early morning prayer) in the mosque!. This was torture to me. Imagine that you go to bed at night anywhere between 11:30p.m. - 1:00a.m. (Arabs are night ppl), and get up in the morning around 4:30a.m. – 5:30a.m. while your school starts at 7:00a.m. – 7: 30a.m.! My prayers at school, and the Fajr prayers were about 90% performed without undertaking ablution beforehand.
Other than that, my life was a normal, typical life for a boy in his teens. Music, school, soccer, cars - and maybe girls! The new phase of exploring life, which led me to accept the liberal Islam, also led me to focus on women’s issues - especially in Saudi Arabia. I became a moderate advocate of women, for I viewed them as victims of people’s misunderstanding of Islam, and their application of old fashioned traditions. The whole liberal/feminist thing wasn’t all that organized (ie, I didn’t rely on books, scholars, readings, writing) it was just like general inner perception. The word “secularism” was unfairly trashed in some curriculum in high school. In a nutshell, it was related to the phobia of “conspiracy theory” (that is, the west wanting to destroy us). I was like: "Fine, I’m not secular - I’m ME!". It wasn’t until 1999 that I grasped the nature of secularism. When I was talking with my friend about another buddy, the way he thinks, and behaves, my friend said something that still rings in my ears: "Yes, but you know what? Ahmed is Elmani!" 'Elmani' means 'Secular'.
I was like OMG, that’s a chance to learn something new! Due to restrictions set in place by the Ministry of Media and Culture, all books that theorize about liberalism, secularism, or any other faith/philosophy - and their application(s) - are banned; except for those that criticize them. Ahmed has been my friend since we were in High school (ie since 1995). I tried to approach him carefully to understand how he thinks. Ironically, after talking to him and discussing the issue, this “secularism” thing seemed well-suited to me. It literally reflected my thoughts and ideas. By the way, “Elmaneyya” (secularism in Arabic) doesn’t necessarily mean “Atheism” or “Deism”; it is basically, being a liberal Muslim who applies logic and critical reasoning. It turned out that Ahmed is also a “Feminist.” We both enjoyed talking to each other and discussing many issues; women’s rights and religion were the main topics. At the time, Ahmed had read way more books than I had; that is why I treasured being with him. He, on the other hand, enjoyed talking to me because I was among the very few people who understand, tolerate, and accepted almost all of his thoughts.
Before this, something weird also happened. I had this interesting debate/discussion with one of my friends’ uncle. In the discussion, I sort of represented the liberal side, while the uncle represented the conservative. A few days later, I was talking to my friend about the discussion when he said: “by the way, my uncle believes you have some secular views.” I was like, errrrmmm interesting. Yet, I didn’t know whether to consider this a compliment or a criticism. Ultimately, I didn’t bother to think a lot about it.
My views on Islam between 1999 and 2003 did not change much. I cared only about fasting, for this wasn’t a real burden (in my opinion), but even in this, I wasn’t good. During some Ramadans, I missed some days just for the sake of some candies, or snacks - eating them secretly of course. My knowledge had expanded greatly, especially in issues related to Islamic secularism (or secular Islam if you will). I had read to a lot of secularists and authors, most of them were liberal Muslims. During 2003, many of my close buddies became “Sufis.” Sufism has been a target of criticism in the Saudi religious curriculum, along with other sects (Shiite, Mutazelate, etc). Being a secularist, I was so excited to know more about Sufism. For one thing, it was a great opportunity to learn something new from its source (not from some unfair, biased Islamic books). For another, I felt, and still feel, so sympathetic to those persecuted groups in my land. I had attended several “Sufi” meetings (sometimes known as ‘Dhikr’) after being invited by my Sufi friends. Meetings were centered on Muhammad and his relatives (household) - called ,in Arabic: “Al al-beit” or "Ahl Albayt" - sharing stories about them - also singing some religious anthems; this is very close to Christian Sunday worship, except that most of the time they don’t use instruments.
I never considered myself a 100% Sufi. I just joined some Sufi fellows to explore and learn. Up until 2003, I was a self-regarded “Muslim.” Rarely did I pray, fast, or perform any of the major obligations. Except for praying occasionally with my Sufi friends in their meetings and fasting for few days of Ramadan, I had literally not done anything related to Islam or its rituals during this period of time. My “Sufi” prayers were a mere “courtesy” action (in Arabic it is called “Mujamala”). On the other hand, I had this great admiration towards Muhammad. This had increased because of my relationship with Sufis and my visits to them. Sufis hold an extreme respect and fondness for Muhammad. I know all Sunni do, or claim to, but those Sufis are more passionate. Not only do they adore Muhammad, but they even adore his household. I view Sufis somewhere between Sunni and Shiite. Most of the stories told by them were about Muhammad’s life; they stressed his wisdom, kindness, fairness and all the other good attributes he had! I was like: "The world and most of Muslims do not understand the real Islam and the true Muhammad." I felt that these Muslims never represented Islam in its original form, but Sufis did. To date, I view Sufism as the least “ugly” version of Islam. Ultimately, my secular side won out.
In 2004, my excitement to attend the meetings lessened. For this was my final year in college, and also because the meetings were mostly in Mecca (about 40 miles away). It was not until early 2005 that I had the ability to think clearly and fairly about it in order to weigh my thoughts and reach a decision. When I was talking to Ahmed, and we discussed how those Muslims didn’t understand Islam, how they were backward in their reasoning and how they were intolerant, I was like: "Oh, if they just follow the example of the Prophet". Just seconds before, Ahmed's reply shocked me: “I agree. But remember that the prophet ordered his men to kill several hundreds Jews in Medina.” I kept quiet for a second but then said: "Oh, this ain’t true!" Ahmed confirmed his claim and asked me to double check. When I did, I found out that this story was all over the history books of Islam. Worse than that, it is agreed upon by almost all scholars; and even mentioned in authentic Hadiths. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I continued to research and found more horrible stuff. My problem (and many others’) was researching! I just did not bother to fact check - it was this incident that prompted me to do so. It could have been the shortest way for me to leave Islam. Once, I stood in front of the mirror and said: "Dude, just face it, you have your own beliefs, and this religion contradicts almost all of your principles."
2005 was an amazing year. For the first time in years, I felt much satisfaction and inner peace. A year later, I flew to the the U.S to continue my studies. During the year I decided to write a book about “Why I left Islam.” In the U.S, I had the opportunity to meet many Christians, and, for the first time, I had a real chance to talk to them and ask about Christianity - and get answers from Christ's followers. As a matter of fact, I have been studying Christianity ever since. I regard myself as an “Agnostic,”; an empirical one. That is, I can’t tell whether God exists or not due to lack of evidence. Now, about 3 years after I left Islam, I feel so content. My love to everyone has tremendously grown. I do think though, that the problem is in Islam itself not Muslims. I love Muslims; my best friend is a Muslim, the most invaluable human in my life (my sister) is a Muslim. I feel so sad and frustrated when I learn that someone converted to Islam, especially those westerners who do not know much about Islam. Those who just get told about the good parts of the faith before they embrace it. I feel the same toward Muslims who don’t read their history and books; many of them feel that they are confined in a cage. They only need a little push so that they get freed.
There is a difference between a liberal Muslim and a former one. Based on my experience, when I was liberal, I used to try to question the credibility and depth of every Hadith or verse that called for something illogical. I had done so, believing that any irrational thing that I found could never be related to Islam. I had justified every matter, or let me say, tried to justify. It was a killing feeling when a person comes to me with a verse or Hadith emphasizing “killing the apostate,” “forbidding music,” or anything that degrades women (or any other thing that contradicts my logic). I had tried to twist the meanings of such text. (the Quranists movement is a natural result of this type of conflict in logic).
An apostate, in contrast, stands in a neutral position where he/she reads and analyzes objectively. It is also important to mention that a liberal Muslim in Saudi Arabia (according to my observation) has mainly two possible future scenarios. He/she either:
- Eventually becomes devout and religious, or
- Uses his/her brain and denounces the faith.
Had I opened my eyes and used my brain earlier, I wouldn’t have lost a whole 24 years of my life being a Muslim.
Peace and Love.
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