Yolk (former Muslim)
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Testimony of Leaving Islam
I was raised Catholic, but not strictly. My mother had been non-denominational Christian, but she converted to Catholicism when she married my dad - a formality to appease his parents. I went to public schools for most of my childhood, but I did a 1-year stint in Catholic school when I was 11 years old. I started to really get into it- Mass on Wednesdays and Sundays was really cool (I liked the tradition and the beauty of the rituals in the Church), and I started to really believe that Catholicism was right and beautiful.
Until I started learning more about the religion and its followers, that is. Hah! When I used to sit and pray in Mass - in earnest, concentrating very hard - the other kids would laugh at me. The girls were doing "everything but" in order to remain virgins, and so much for the spirit of brotherly love - these kids (and their parents!) were the most vicious, ungodly, horrible people I'd ever met. So I left Catholic school, and the Church, disillusioned. Then I spent some time abroad, and while in France I met a Moroccan who started to teach me about Islam bit by bit (we ended up dating for over 2 years). To his defense, he wasn't really hard-core about teaching me- I was the one who always asked questions. I was curious about this religion, especially after having read the Jean Sasson books as an adolescent (haha).
I blindly believed everything that he told me: women were revered ("Paradise is under the feet of the mother."), women were given (outright) more rights in the Koran than in any other religion; polygamy was only in cases of war, and was only practiced at a time when women had no other choice when they were widowed but to turn to prostitution because in those days they didn't have jobs; the veil is optional; "There is no compulsion in Islam;" Jacques Cousteau only recently discovered the split between the "eau salee and sucree" (I think fresh and saltwater) that had been described in the Koran; the Koran has not been changed since it was written (he actually told me that it was written by Mohammed); etc.
I was struck by the fact that everything, according to him, was so absolute- there were no splits like in Christianity (he conveniently forgot to explain Shia Islam, Sufis and other sects), and the Koran was completely unchanged (whereas the Bible had been corrupted). I thought the whole thing about God not being human, and thus not having a son (Jesus), made perfect sense. Don't ask me why I never questioned why, if God was all-powerful, he couldn't make himself up a son if he darn well wanted to! Plus, everything seemed so exotic and fun to learn about when he was teaching me. I loved Arab food, music, and some aspects of the culture (I appreciated the strong sense of family, as that was absent in my own life). I started to have an idealized view of the Arab family, where people were simple but Islam helped the family to overcome their difficulties and selfishness, and to stick together and become more spiritual. Hmph. I never asked myself why, if these countries were so great, everyone was not flocking to them, trying to jump the borders and live there.
I started to get so into Muslim thinking. My best friend in the whole world is Jewish (born Jewish, but not practicing), and I started having hateful thoughts about Jews! Thankfully, I would catch myself and stop thinking that way, but the anti-Semitism is SO strong when you're in an Arab milieu. I'm ashamed to think that I even had these thoughts, and I'm glad that, though my best friend knew what an anti-Semitic religion Islam is, she NEVER ONCE criticized me about accepting it. I guess she was wise, and knew that I'd eventually find out the truth.
I also started to openly criticize the West- policies in Palestine, disrespect for women, and the Western way of life. I was becoming such a prejudiced, hateful person. And ironically, I started proselytizing to my family, friends, and whoever would listen, telling people that Islam was peace, and that everyone just had huge misconceptions about it. I'm so glad that people in the West are so open-minded and forgiving, because all of the people who I talked to are still my friends, and have never given me grief for all of the crap I talked. I also failed to realize that it was only in the West that I would have the freedom to criticize this religion- if I had done this in an Islamic country, my life would have been in danger. I took my shahada towards the end of my relationship with my boyfriend. I guess that deep down, I was hoping this would earn me some respect if I converted, because our relationship was going downhill anyway. I went to the mosque several times, and I even wore hijab for a while. Now that I look back, I was just trying something new, and trying to fit in with a new group of people that had not really had any influence on me before my boyfriend.
I only really started reading the Koran in earnest after I took shahada (before, I had only read the "selected passages" that my boyfriend had conveniently recommended). I discovered that it was so, so boring, and that it was only occasionally inspirational. Nothing like reading the Bible, which, though I don't believe is necessarily from God, is at least more pleasing to read. Ugh, and there were so many passages that I didn't agree with. But I just kept glossing over things that I didn't agree with. Fortunately in Islam, whenever you doubt Islam, you can just blame it on your deficient senses, and say "Allah knows best," and continue to be a robot. I tried to pray 5 times a day, but I'm sorry, it was so boring and I got more out of praying my own way (informally, before going to bed), thank-you-very-much.
Joining Islam is like joining a cult. Everyone is so nice to you in the beginning, telling you that when you take shahada you're like a baby, with a pure white soul, and other mumbo-jumbo. You feel so special and accepted, but then people start showing their real faces and understand what it was REALLY like to receive Islamic "respect" as a woman. All of the women want to marry you off and see you wearing hijab because they think it'll increase their points so they can go to Heaven. Ugh. And they made me so afraid to leave Islam and go to Hell that I called myself Muslim for a long time after I had left the religion in my heart, just because I was afraid to say it out loud! Eventually, I realized that Islam was no different from most other religions. The hypocrisy that lead me away from Catholicism was also rampant in Islam- my boyfriend considered himself Muslim because he fasted during Ramadan and didn't eat pork (well, maybe I shouldn't be so hard on him- we all KNOW how extremely, extremely difficulty it is, and what a sign of deep religious devotion, to abstain from delicious, evil pork). He drank, smoked, had sex, etc. He only "believed" in Mohammed and God because he was told to from birth, and he was afraid of going to Hell if he left Islam.
I've found that Islam is a most perfect religion for justifying the ways of philandering men, and that a most of the religion is devoted to justifying war and men's rights to satisfy their sexual appetites, and also to telling people who don't know how to think for themselves how to wipe their arse (with 3 pebbles, at least). I realize that I only converted because I was looking for absolute truth, acceptance and love from my boyfriend, and I was confused. I was looking for ONE religion that was perfect, that had all of the answers, and that would save me from all of my problems.
Now that I've built myself back up again, I find that I have no need for Islam. I'm proud to say that I realized that plucking my eyebrows will NOT send me directly to Hell!
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